I'm Totally Phoning This One In

"Hey blog, how's it going?"

"Oh, you know. So, so."

"So, so?"

"Yeah. Traffic has slowed and, you know, it's been a while."

"Oh, right. But, wait. It's only been, like, two days."

"Yes, I've been lonely."

"Blogs get lonely?"

"Yes. Well, no. But, I like new stuff. Everyday. Like, you know, a normal blog."

"Who said you weren't normal?"

"No one."

"Oh."

"Well, it's just that I thought you had *tons* of new material."

"Blog?"

"Yeah?"

"This is our first conversation, I never told you I had new material."

"Yes, well, it's just that you've started 412 new posts since Monday and none of them are finished."

"Well, see, that's just it. I mean, I just can't seem to finish. Anything."

"Do you remember when you found your first blog?"

"Yes."

"And do you remember the constant refreshing you'd do all day desperately waiting for an update?"

"Vaguely. Google Reader has taken care of all of that, though."

"Yes, but readers still like reading."

"I know and honestly, I meant to finish something. Like the story about me taking Honorable Mention at the Mother of the Week Awards for the second straight week because I made my kid crap his pants. Not on purpose, of course... "

"Go on."

"But, because I was using the bathroom at the very moment of his urgent desperation. I quickly told him to use the restroom downstairs. But, no one ever uses that bathroom."

"You have a bathroom you don't use? Why on earth..."

"Koko the ferocious beast and her friend Cody use the bathroom as a sort of home and no one likes forgetting to put the tp up only to have to clean up an entire roll of tp which is in 1000 tiny pieces on the floor, now do they? I, for one, hate cleaning up teeny tiny pieces of shredded tp."

"And?"

"And, he pleaded for me to just get up. Except, just getting up would have made one hell of mess. So, I told him to run downstairs, let the dogs out and go. Tears welled up in his eyes, he turned and ran."

"I thought you said he crapped his pants?"

"I'm not finished."

"Waiting..."

"I thought for sure we dodged a bullet when he turned and ran. I remember watching the crucial minutes tick by on the clock while simply convincing the kid there was no way I could move. Kid, I said, the Leprechaun Oatmeal made me sick, too. Finally, he believed me. But, moments after I hear the dogs running amok my son appears in front of me (still totally perched on the toilet, Leprechaun Oatmeal is nothing to reckon with). Crocodile tears streaming down his face. Mom, he said, I pooped."

"No way."

" Yes. I have never in my life had to clean poop out of my kid's underwear and there he was in front of me crying, at four-years-old, because I couldn't move off of the pot. I took a deep breath and told him to start undressing. Slowly, very slowly. I warned him to be very careful because we didn't want to lose the the 'log'."

"No, losing the log would be bad. Very bad. And not mention, very messy."

"While he carefully undressed, I collected myself. I dismounted the porcelain pony and re-situated myself and braced for impact. While helping him out of his undies I noticed that there wasn't a 'log'. I was totally suspicious that we had misplaced the log in the kerfuffle. Kyan? Where is the poop? Mom? It was just sort of wet. But, I thought, you pooped. And, down he went into Downward Dog to prove the poop."

"So, he didn't poop?"

"No."

"He cried because he sh-arted?"

"Yes, he totally sh-arted."

"Have you ever seen Rob & Big?"

"Blog, you know I have. (totally singing, You're My Best Friend)"

"Well did you ever see that episode when Big wears a Manpon?"

"Blog you are gross but funny except I think Manpon's are reserved for men not boys who simply shart, once!

"Maybe. Just remember that boy you are raising will one day be a man."

"Thanks, I'll remember that nugget of wisdom." [click]