How Do You Get A Mother to Stop Listening to the Pediatrician During A Check-Up?

You utter the words Heart Murmur casually as if you were speaking about someone in a textbook and not the child that the woman seated in front of you gave birth to just a few months before.

In an instant, I went from "Wow we are almost done and my kids haven't even catapulted off the exam table in an effort to swing from the light fixtures" to "Holy shit, did he just say Heart Murmur?"

"Hal, did you just say Heart Murmur?"

"Yes."

"Aspen?"

"Yes."

And, with that I sort of stopped listening. I mean I watched his lips move but I heard none of it. What I gather though is that chances are good it really is NOTHING.

But, you know, the whole not knowing will eat me alive until we see the Pediatric Cardiologist to confirm it really is nothing.

I'd Say Luck Is On My Side

I think I am in love.

With Aspen's skis that is. The only thing that could make those skis any cuter is Aspen herself wearing them. But see, that is where my love affair ends. The thought of her skiing is okay, the equipment, well, you see it's adorable, but the reality of it frightens me.

Sure Kyan has been skiing since he was 2 which means I really have no problem with the actual skiing part.

But, what if she likes it? I mean what if she really likes it?

For me skiing was something I did because my parents swore to me that when I was in high school and college I would thank them.

Um, yeah, well...I hate the cold weather and sore legs.

So, if she really likes it, it means my status as a Lodge Bunny Extraordinaire is officially over. And, I am not sure I am quite ready to relinquish that title.

Not sure if you are aware but boys and girls are very different. In fact my two children are so different that if I wasn't sure I'd given birth to both of them I'd think that they had different parents. Aspen at 2 is excelling at fine motor skills. Kyan at 2 was excelling at gross motor skills. It can probably be argued that skiing takes both.

So, while I am over here praying that Aspen decides she may want to wait a little longer before starting her skiing career, my husband is praying that the girl he named "Aspen" will love skiing more than he does.

The odds are probably 50-50 but I'd like to think that I know her better.

Plus, I love to be right. I guess we'll know by next week.

Leaving the Mothership in T Minus 42 Hours

For the past 6 years my family leaves the country for Thanksgiving.

I guess our way of saying "Thanks" is by saying "Happy Turkey Day, Canada! We are here to take over the Bunny Hill! "

But, it should be noted that due to my work schedule I have only ever celebrated in a foreign country with my family once. My husband, however, has not missed the skiing the family togetherness even once.

This year is different. I am going. Not only am I going but suddenly I have 2 kids coming too. And, did you know that we have yet to actually go away from home longer than 2 nights since Aspen was born?

I'm terrified.

I'm scared to be away from the mothership that long in a very confined space with potentially very chilly temperatures with no park in sight.

Also, the sheer volume of laundry needing to get done in my house has swallowed me whole and I'm busy hiding under the covers to avoid the reality that skiing in our underwear is not only breaking laws of some sort, it also may cause frostbite.

The good news is that my sister stopped by and we went shopping for essentials because I am not sure if you know this or not but the Canadian versions of American favorites never taste the same. The ketchup tastes funny, the A-1 is not tart enough and do not even get me started on the French Fries. It's like they fry them in lard...wait...I think they do.

Anyway.

I am certain we will not starve but I am not certain we will have clean clothes. Plus, has anyone seen my kids' birth certificates? If you have, send them my way.

Turkeys, Chickens and the Flood or Hey Look It's an Update!

It's like even though we don't live in the flood plain someone thinks it's funny to still mess with us.

It got a little quiet around here not because we were off sandbagging and protecting our things. No. Instead it seems that someone who shall remain nameless left a cup of coffee near the computer and a toddler who shall remain nameless as well "accidentally" spilled said cup of coffee all over the wireless keyboard while surprisingly no one was looking.

(The Toddler who is still remaining nameless to protect her identity)

The accident was discovered during nap time when mysteriously only the "w" and "q" keys still worked and upon flipping the keyboard over a brownish white liquid flowed out all over my pants leg revealing that my coffee was not only misplaced hours earlier it was also part of the coup to limit my Internet usage.

Luckily 2 days into the no Internet withdrawal I was suffering from my brain kicked in and remembered that we own a laptop...you know, the same one I do all of my work from. Sometimes my stupidity astounds me.

So, now, I can update you on the flood.

It seems that this flood was mild compared the big one in 2006 but I am sure things were lost just the same. I mean what difference does a few feet make when things are sitting on the floor of a garage? Oh, right, nothing.

So, like many cities across the country who sit in natural disaster paths the town is busy cleaning up and contemplating the rebuild of things that were lost. And since I don't watch the news I really have no idea how bad the damage actually is. But, the schools were only closed 1 day in my area which if that is any indication of the state of the city then I'd say our little town fared okay.

While we had no Internet we got creative. Silly concept I know.

Instead of consuming gross amounts of candy for weeks after Halloween I decided to follow Secret Agent Josephine's advice and make a Turkey Pinata as a Centerpiece for Thanksgiving.

Being the heartwarming sister that I am, I figured this way my kids could share all of their candy AND cavities with their cousins. And, that's when I look at my oldest brother and say, "Now, don't say I never gave you nothing!"

I present our Centerpiece...days in the making!

Now that it's complete, we won't be whacking him.

We spent far too much time on him.

I will, however, still give my brother's spawn lots and lots of candy that sits inside the faux poultry, you know, because not eating it would be wasteful.

Lulu and Her Master Larry will be your Guide Today!

Meet Larry* and his dog. They will be your guides on today's tour of flooded area.

Okay, so, Larry isn't from my 'hood and neither is his dog but I found him while I was browsing the Internet for photos of my town and I immediately liked Larry. So I did what any respective Blogger would do, I stole him.

Larry and his dog are from a town near mine which is exactly like being from my town given the current situation. So, yes the river flooded and, no, it hasn't crested. Which is exactly like saying the powers that be have been watching all night and nothing has happened. And, I just looked out the window and the rain has stopped and possibly I see a very small portion of sky that is blue.

So, while I wish I could say with certainty that my mother in law's house is safe, I really have no idea because, hello, I have not left my house since the shenanigans began yesterday afternoon.

You are welcome for my non-update update.

*Totally his real name!

Is it just me?

Or does the fact that entire trees (roots and all) are flying over a dam about 2 miles from my home make you feel a little crazy?

Up until a few minutes ago I never realized why people live in Flood Areas.

I live very close to a flood area but on top of a hill so that pretty much them thar flood waters will never reach our home BUT my mother in law is not so lucky. She lives in a home approximately 1 mile from ours in a 100-year-flood zone.

As luck would have it this is the second time in as many years that her home will be flooded. And by "flooded" I mean that every vehicle she owns (there are many), the lawnmower and garage contents will be at stake plus any items she may be storing under her house where it has been "raised" so that the actual contents in her home are safer. Not to mention the fact that if she wishes to actually get home once the river has flooded (or even before, really) she will have to do so by boat.

I know you people are probably thinking why do people continue to live in flood areas? It just doesn't make sense. Well, now, for me it kind of does. First of all my MIL lives in a 100-year-flood zone which if you can't read between the lines means that the river is only supposed to flood every 100 years or so BUT you know twice in as many years is almost the same thing.

No flood water has ever entered home as long as she has lived there. The contents of the garage has been lost. You know, whether we all like to admit it sometimes things very important to us end up in the garage, even heirlooms. So, yeah, despite "appearing" like nothing really happened it did. Let us not even talk about the garbage and debris that litter the area once the river recedes. But, like I said, it is probably really hard for people to understand why anyone would live in a flood zone.

But, it's her home.

Once floods happen people don't too soon forget which makes selling said home difficult. Plus, heaven forbid, her home actually float down the river the insurance only insures the home, which is only a portion of the cost of a home that comes with land.

So, please know her 100-year-flood zone home is under attack for the second time since purchasing it in 2004.

We've moved all the vehicles, the lawnmower and her dog to higher ground.

Please pray that she will not be rowing the streets tomorrow to inspect the damage.

Also? Let this serve as a warning to anyone assuming the prospective flood zone home they may be considering purchasing that a 100-year-flood zone does not mean squat!

Oh-Mama!

It's been a week since the election and I still cannot stop thinking about it. I have watched the acceptance speech dozens of times, each time feeling more hope than the previous. All I can think is the last time I felt this much hope in a President was just after 9-11 and our President vowed to do whatever it took to find the people responsible.

And then it hits me...we have a long way to go.

But, during all of my re-watching of the speech my 4-year-old walks in and asks what I am doing. I tell him. I point to the screen and say that is Barack Obama and he is the next President of the United States.

See, in the weeks and months before the election we never watched election coverage. The media does nothing but piss me off and besides Hannah Montana re-runs are far more entertaining. So, our 4-year-old was not even aware there was an election until I ran off and "boated" and came home to rub it in my husbands face who had adamantly exclaimed in the days before the election that he was refusing to vote because he didn't like his options (Yes, he succumbed to my pressure and made a decision).

So, naturally, the 4-year-old had questions. He wanted to know everything. What the President does, why it matters to him and whether or not the man had any kids for him to play with. I did my best to explain the nuances so that his brain would not spontaneously explode, I am happy to report it did not.

In fact, his response gives me more hope than any speech could ever muster.

While standing in the checkout line in the grocery store yesterday my son seemingly gets a little giddy. Mama, Mama, look, he yells trying to get my attention while pointing to the cover of US Weekly. I look over and he smiles with pride. What is it Kyan? I say playing like I have no idea he knows that is our next President. It's Arack Omama, Mama! He smiles proudly. He looks around and finds Barack's picture on 3 other magazines in line and he points to each letting everyone in line know that that man? That man is going to be our President.

And that? That brings me hope for our future because my son sees no color and that, my friends, is something to celebrate.

It's All about the Pan

It's not that I haven't had anything to say to you folks it's just that I can't seem to finish any particular entry that I've started and I don't know why.

But, even I am sick of seeing the word Tofu at the top of my page and I think that may be saying something folks...you know, besides, hey lady update your peeps already. And I think by peeps the blog actually means the people that I refer to as The Internet but sometimes my blog has a mind of it's own and maybe it's referring to the candy Peeps that I loathe, who really knows?

Anyway, a while back I think that I may have announced that I was going to do my best to improve my health by Christmas and find my way back to those skinny jeans that may or may not be crowding all of my fat clothes because, you know, I have more of the skinny than the fat because, hello I can't by THAT size it is shameful, blah blah blah.

And can I just interrupt this entry to tell you that it just occurred to me that I may be suffering from The Crazy seeing as how both my blog and my closet just spoke with me in the first three paragraphs of my entry? Something to ponder, although, The Crazy is not something I am a stranger to.

Back to my point.

So, that resolution, if you will, has now taken over my life. Now I am not sure if you have ever dieted but I suspect if you are American you have. You know when you get serious about changing your life suddenly it seems to take over your life? And the only thing you can think about, talk about, blog about, talk to other moms about is food. And, since I love all of my readers I thought that I would save you the pain and just leave during the hard part and ignore you because ignoring you is better than disappointing you, at least that is what The Crazy keeps telling me when I sit down and try to write coherent stories about my life.

Anyway, to my surprise my husband has decided to join me in my quest. Maybe it was me but I think it has something to do with the Wii Fit exclaiming his OBESITY to the entire family. Bob has decided to show the Wii a thing or two. I think he secretly wants to become Wii Fit's poster boy but we shall see how long he commits. You know, like, Jared for Subway he wants to be Bob for Wii Fit. I want to say to whatever got him motivated, THANK YOU! Now, please let just keep him motivated.

When I have dieted before I've always relied on boxed meals for part or most of my daily intake of calories. Granted I still consume fresh fruit and vegetables but for anything that would resemble dinner I would microwave. While my husband points out that those meals are extremely convenient and serve a very good place in our freezer for emergencies, he adamantly thinks that changing our "lifestyle" includes learning how to cook lighter and finding new favorite recipes. At first I resisted him but as the weeks wore on I started to see that maybe he had a point.

What am I showing my kids by eating a frozen dinner every night while the rest of the family dined on a meal I had prepared? So, I caved. And, I am having a love affair with Cooking Light magazine, shhh don't tell.

So, yes, now I am rambling about my diet but I wanted to share a wonderful "dieting secret" with my readers. Have you heard of Hungry Girl? No? Well, she is a woman who became obsessed with recipes and products and started a website. Check her out! My favorite secret she has shared with me is if you want to lighten a cake or brownie recipe simply skip the added ingredients and add 1 can of diet soda(yes, omit the eggs, water, & oil)...for chocolate cakes or brownies use diet coke and for yellow cakes use diet sprite or diet orange soda. Ladies, try it tonight!

You know what would make those diet brownies taste better? Making them in the pan that Candid Carrie is giving away. Velveeta ain't got nothin' on those diet Brownies!